Pub Strangers
by loveretriever
Summary: My take on the canon couple Percy/Audrey. Rated for safety, brief language and implied scenes. Does not actually contain graphic images because I suck at M-rated fics. One-shot collection written for prompts
1. Pub Strangers

I decided to take a stab at Percy/Audrey (even though I much prefer reading Percy/Angelina and writing one-sided Percy/Penelope.) I think Percy/Audrey is growing on me xD haha

Written for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry forum - Major & Minor Arcana, #5

Prompt: Write a fluffy story about a couple with a deep emotional or sexual connection.

Word count: 2129

* * *

Percy had been a righ' ol' prat and he knew it. He felt horrible. How could he live with himself? He had done such bad things in his short life. Where did it all go wrong? Downing his drink, Percy thought back to his last year at Hogwarts.

Percy was Head Boy in his seventh year, a great honour that he shared with his brother Bill. Fred and George's teasing from "Perfect Prefect Percy" changed to "Big Head Boy Percy." But the twins were the least of Percy's worries.

Penelope Clearwater, the seventh year Ravenclaw Head Girl, was his girlfriend. Until Percy caught her snogging Oliver Wood late at night. Percy had never been more ashamed, embarrassed and enraged. Not even the twins could match the level of fury he felt when faced with Oliver and Penny.

Disgusted with himself for remembering that night so clearly, Percy downed two more firewhiskeys.

As if Penny's betrayal hadn't been enough. Working for the Ministry Percy had always adored and admired had blinded Percy to the truth. Undersecretary Umbridge and Minister Fudge drilled into Percy's head the notion of Albus Dumbledore and Harry Potter as liars who wanted to take over the Ministry. In his addled state of mind, Percy had written several horrible letters to all of his family members, particularly his Mum and lil' Ronniekins.

Percy took his responsibility seriously, just like Bill and Charlie had. Unlike the twins, Percy believed he needed to be a good role model for his younger siblings, particularly Ron and Ginny. The twins were incorrigible since birth. Ginny, fortunately, had taken a liking to Harry Potter, the Saviour of our World. Unfortunately, said Saviour was also crazy, or so Percy had once believed. Ron, Harry's best friend, was in danger of losing out on his opportunity to become an Auror once he graduated if he kept in contact with Public Enemy No. 1. Or so Percy had once warned him.

Now, a year after the Battle of Hogwarts, Percy wasn't so sure of the world. It still hurt that Fred was gone. It still hurt that his Mum had accepted him, the whole family had accepted him, but Fred had been the first. It still hurt that the one time Fred acknowledged he had made a joke was the moment right before Rookwood sent his curse at them. It was all wrong that Percy was here and Fred was not.

I should have been the one, Percy thought sullenly. It should have been me, not Fred, Rookwood was after. Percy's face set into a haunted expression as he remembered killing Rookwood in revenge. Smiling grimly, Percy drained his last mug of firewhiskey. Revenge can be sweet, he supposed, as long as the motivation was right.

Looking around, Percy cursed his short purse. No more galleons, no more sickles, no more knuts. That could mean only one thing: no more blessed firewhiskey. Percy sighed.

"You out of galleons?" a woman asked, leaning over to talk into his ear.

Percy, startled, turned and, through wobbly vision, saw a pretty young woman about his age. She had placed her hand on his arm. He felt a burning sensation run through his body - no doubt the firewhiskey kicking in.

"Hullo, hullo," Percy said, believing himself to be sober. "Sorry, I'm all out."

"Ah, it's okay. So am I," she said, smiling at him.

Percy gulped nervously. A woman smiling at him did not happen every day. Adjusting his tie and horn-rimmed glasses, Percy said, "I'm sorry," in as light a tone as possible (which means, as he had drunk quite a lot), he probably sounded like a croaking frog.

She laughed, showing off beautiful pink lips and small white teeth. She had a musical laugh that was both child-like and enchanting.

"I'm Percy," Percy said, trying to keep his hand steady. "Nice to meet you."

"Pleasure," the woman returned, trying, and failing, to find his hand. Laughing, she said, "I don't think this is working. Why do you have six fingers?"

"Oh dear," Percy said, staring at his hand. "I do, don't I? Must be the drink. I'm sure Mum would have said something if I had been born with six fingers. Surely, she would have, wouldn't she?" He scratched his head, puzzled.

The woman laughed again and tried to place her hand on his shoulder. Instead, she was patting his head.

"Ah, you red-heads," she said, smiling. "You have such curly hair." At this point in the conversation, Percy had decided that Percy had left the building.

"Thank you, er, sorry," he smiled sheepishly. "What's your name?"

"My name?" she asked, looking at him with big brown eyes. "My name." She gave him a ditsy smile.

"Yes, I was asking for your name. I don't recall what it is, but you look familiar."

"Audrey. Audrey Ophelia Vaughan."

"Audrey Ophelia - very pretty," Percy said, blushing. He put it down to feeling hot and uncomfortable. "Um, are you warm? It feels warm in here." He pulled at his collar.

"Allow me." Audrey leaned over and unbuttoned his shirt at the top. "There," she said, resettling herself in her chair.

Percy's face now probably matched the exact colour of his hair. When Audrey had leaned over, he was given a perfect view of her chest. And it was quite marvelous. Gulping for air, Percy determined not to look at her and instead kept his eyes on the shelf of liquor against the wall.

"Thank you," he said stiffly.

"Much better?" Audrey asked.

"Yes. Quite. Ah, look at the time," Percy said, eyes wildly looking everywhere but at her.

"What time? I didn't see you had a watch."

"I don't," Percy replied shortly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I understand. You probably have a wife and kids," Audrey sighed. "They always do."

"They?" Now Percy's mind was muddled. Was Audrey a lesbian? With kids? How did that even work? Right now, Percy, m'lad, you need to go to bed, his sensible mind told him. This woman is way too much for you to handle. Ignoring the voice in his head, Percy turned to consider Audrey once more. Nope, she looked perfectly straight to him. Pretty, short or at least, shorter than him, and her brown eyes were watery.

"Never mind," Audrey said abruptly standing. "Oh, dear. I shouldn't have done that."

Percy reached out to steady her. Instead, she fell into his lap.

"Oof! Oy, sorry," Audrey mumbled, blushing.

Percy merely stared at her. With her face flushed a light pink, she was so pretty. So he leaned down and kissed her.

"Spider-Man kiss," Audrey chuckled.

"Sorry, what?" Percy asked.

"Oh, don't you know the Muggle superhero Spider-Man?" Audrey asked, shocked.

"Who are you talking about?"

"Oh my gosh! Let's go watch the movies!" Grabbing Percy's hand, Audrey led him out of the pub. Thank goodness it was the Leaky, as Tom knew Percy well. Had it been any other place, Percy would have died of embarrassment. He hadn't finished paying his tab.

* * *

Six hours later, Percy was being woken up.

"Percy! Percy!" Audrey whispered in a loud stage-whisper. "Heyyyyyyy!"

Percy bolted upright. "Wha!"

"OUCH!" Audrey yelled, rubbing her arm.

"Oh, sorry. I'm not good at waking up when I don't realize I'm sleeping," Percy explained, knowing his logic was not even twenty percent alright.

"So, did you like the movies?" Audrey asked.

"Um, I think so? The third one was really weird."

"Yeah, I know! Do you like superhero movies?"

Percy adjusted his glasses on his nose. "I don't know. Movies are weird, ya know? Sort of like moving pictures."

"But not."

"But not," Percy agreed.

"I love movies," Audrey gushed. Percy smiled at her, but said nothing.

"Sorry I gave you the couch," Audrey continued as though Percy had said everything in the world. "I meant to give you an air bed, but I couldn't move you. You fell asleep right after the last movie ended."

"Oh," Percy said, still trying to wrap his mind around the events of last night.

With a sudden jolt of concern, Percy asked, "Wait, if I slept here, where did you sleep?"

"There," Audrey pointed at the pile of blankets on the floor. "I wasn't about to leave you alone, silly."

Percy's stomach growled.

"Oh, um, sorry," Percy blushed. "Must be the hangover."

"Did you have dinner?"

"Can't remember. Must have, mustn't I?" Percy mumbled.

"Well, no matter. Do you have any galleons?"

"No. Not on me. Do you?"

"Hmm," Audrey said. "Let's look."

"I'll help you," Percy said gallantly. Audrey smiled sweetly at him as they started their search.

"This feels like a treasure hunt!" Audrey laughed as the duo ransacked the apartment.

"There, five Muggle bills and two sickles," Percy said. "Oh, and here are five sickles and two knuts. I found them in my spare change pocket."

"I thought you didn't have any money," Audrey accused.

"You asked if I had galleons. And besides, my spare change pocket is only for emergencies," Percy pointed out.

"Are you such a prat all the time?" Audrey joked.

Percy immediately sobered at that. "Don't call me that!" he exploded.

Audrey stopped, face horror-stricken. "I am so sorry," she said uncertainly.

"Don't! Don't! Just stop!" Percy ran out of the apartment and disappeared.

Audrey sat down hard. What had just happened? She broke down in tears because it had been a long night. Why were relationships, even friendships, always so hard?

Five minutes later, Percy returned, knocking on the door. The door, which had remained opened since his whirlwind outburst, pushed inwards at his touch.

"Hello?" Percy called.

"Who is it?" Audrey sobbed.

"It's me."

"I don't want to see you because you don't want to see me!" Audrey said, using some sort of reverse logic.

Percy scowled and entered anyway. "But I wanted to say -"

"No! You've said your bit! Good day!" Audrey cried, tears dripping down her wet face.

"Audrey," Percy said softly.

"Percy."

He felt touched by her vulnerability. He felt like his world had fallen apart, and here was this beautiful, crying woman.

"You're right, I am a prat." He leaned over, took her hands in his, and kissed her wet lips.

Audrey at first tried to push him away, but he succeeded in moving onto the couch. When he did, she replied with her own desire - kissing fiercely back.

"Oh, Audrey, I haven't felt this way for a stranger in a long time," Percy confessed. "I'm sorry if I'm not, well, good enough, or what you expect, you know?" When he got this nervous, Percy lost his way with words and stumbled over his sentences.

"Oh, Percy," Audrey replied in a similar vein, "I haven't been with someone in such a long time. I just - I don't know. Please don't leave?"

"I promise," Percy said solemnly, kissing her fingertips. "I can't believe a beautiful woman like you doesn't have a boyfriend."

Audrey smirked, "And I thought you had a wife and kids!"

Percy gaped in horror. "Perish the thought!"

"What does that mean?" Audrey asked sharply.

"Wait, are you proposing to me?" Percy asked, his mind just now stumbling to put two and two together.

"Well, no, but yes. I'd prefer the traditional proposal."

"Ah, it seems I am not prepared."

"Then it can wait." Audrey smiled as Percy kissed her again and again.

"You know, it's always nice to meet strangers at the pub," Audrey grinned. "This will be quite a story to tell our kids."

Percy let out a squeak of alarm. "Oh no! What will Mum say!"

"Hopefully, she'll see the best thing for you is to marry me quickly!" Audrey teased.

Before Percy knew what was happening, Audrey had removed his shirt and he had completely stripped her clothes off.

"How did this happen?" Percy wondered.

"Hush," Audrey whispered, removing his glasses. "Relax and enjoy it."

* * *

Percy held Audrey tightly. "You are the best stranger I've ever met."

"We're not strangers anymore, stranger," Audrey replied, kissing his nose.

"Did Christmas come early this year?" Percy wondered, starry-eyed. Although his eyes probably looked that way without his strong prescription glasses.

"I think it just might have. Want to unwrap gifts again?" Audrey said in her most seductive voice. She danced sexily in front of him until Percy snogged her so long they both found themselves without clothes again.


	2. We Need the Tents

This was written unrelated to the first chapter, but can be seen as together or separate. Reader's choice. This is a collection of fics centered around the pairing Percy/Audrey, after all. :) This fic is focused on Percy (again) avoiding responsibility for the consequences of his actions after a misunderstanding occurs.

Written for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry forum - Major & Minor Arcana, #5 EC

Word count: 1281

* * *

"Audrey," Percy whispered. "Hey, baby."

"Baby?" Audrey asked, opening her eyes. "By Merlin's beard! I cannot be pregnant! This is all your fault!" Audrey started to freak out. "Why I ever - THIS is EXACTLY why I DON'T SLEEP WITH GUYS BEFORE THE FIRST DATE! Much less a stranger!" Audrey panted and pointed at Percy. "Weasley - GET OUT!"

Percy didn't need to be told twice. He deftly transfigured his boxers into a robe and promptly Apparated from Audrey's flat.

Shaking with fear, terror, and hurt, Percy found himself outside the Burrow wearing - well, his own skin. He was completely starkers.

"PERCY WEASLEY!" Molly yelled. "I AM NOT LOOKING AT YOU LIKE THE DAY YOU WERE BORN! GET YOUR SKINNY ARSE CLOTHED!"

"Yes, Mum!" Percy yelled, running into the shed. His face was beet red with embarrassment, shame and a mixture of other feelings.

George and Ron sniggered as they watched a naked Percy running around the shed looking for a piece of cloth to magic.

"Haha! Looks like Percy got kicked out!" George guffawed.

"Bet he didn't perform well," Ron jibed.

Percy finally found an old pair of overalls he magicked into a respectable robe. Turning around, he shot two icy glares at George and Ron individually before marching back to the house.

"Oh, oops!" Ron giggled, staring at George.

George shook his head. "Good ol' Perce! C'mon, Ron, let's go to the shop!"

* * *

Percy entered the house and got a strict talking-to from his Mum before Arthur interrupted, welcoming him back home.

"Thanks, Dad," Percy smiled gratefully. "It's been a long week, Mum. I'm really sorry." He didn't need to say more as Molly promptly burst into tears and hugged her precious son.

"I'm so glad you came home!" Molly said, tears splashing onto Percy's shoulder.

"Come on, Mollywobbles," Arthur said, leading his wife upstairs.

Percy collapsed at the kitchen table where there were already three plates of heaping food waiting for him. He dug in without question as his mum intended. Anger or no, Molly Weasley believed that every soul should be fed well.

Strangely enough, he realized this mini-feast for one is exactly what happened when he came home for the holidays during his seventh year. He told his mum about Penny and Wood the night he returned. The next morning, she had laid out his favourite breakfast items: bangers and mash, scrambled eggs, black tea and fresh melon.

How she knew he needed this now... oh wait. His sharp eyes spotted the remains of a red and white letter.

Percy's face paled. Was that a - Howler? He gasped. He had never EVER received a Howler! Who could have sent it?

Three guesses who...

"Mum," Percy said when he realized he was no longer alone.

"Yes, she sent the Howler." Molly entered the kitchen.

"Oh, dear Lord!" Percy groaned, letting his head fall into his hands.

"Percy, I am very disappointed in you! Didn't you wear any clothes before you Apparated?"

Percy blushed. "I transfigured some clothes, Mum," he mumbled.

"You know how they sometimes get lost in translation," Molly said, using a figure of speech.

"I do now!" Percy felt like screaming.

"Well, your father and I have told you about the birds and the bees, but really! A perfect stranger in the pub. Percy, where are your standards?" And the tirade went on.

Arthur crept into the kitchen slowly. That was Molly's hint, but she wasn't taking it until he cleared his throat.

"AHEM!" Arthur said loudly.

"Oh, Arthur, dear," Molly said. "Right, the washing. Well, Percy, I'm sorry about this heartbreak."

Percy looked gobsmacked as his mum left him alone with his father.

"Ah, Percy, Percy, Percy," Arthur said, smiling benignly at his middle son. Pulling out a chair, Arthur sat down and arranged his suit. He sat in silence, waiting for Percy to explain.

Finally, Percy said, "Dad! I didn't - I mean, I wanted - I was drunk at the bar and this woman, Audrey, approached me. She was - is - beautiful. I just -" And the whole tale came out. Arthur nodded his head sagaciously.

"I understand, son. A beautiful woman sets your head spinning. The same happened between your mum and I." Percy looked like he was about to be sick, so Arthur changed tactics. "When a woman approaches you, it can be both flattering and unnerving."

"What part of 'I was drunk' did you miss?" Percy asked, unable to believe his parents at this moment. He knew they were sometimes blinded by love for the family, but really! This wasn't entirely his fault!

"Percy, when we are adults, we need to take responsibility for our actions. We can't just flee at the slightest upset." By 'we,' Arthur really meant 'men.' Percy understood this subtle jab.

"I know, Dad. I tried. I really did." Percy resigned himself to a stern talking-to from Arthur, although Arthur was not the one to give speeches.

Arthur stared at his son until Percy squirmed uncomfortably. Good, Arthur thought childishly, I still have the touch.

"She kicked me out! It's not like I don't love her or anything. Hell, if I had a ring I'd ask her to marry me!"

Arthur laughed and clapped Percy's shoulder hard. Wincing, Percy stared at his father in confusion.

"Oh, good. I keep waiting for someone to have a wedding! It's been ages since the last one."

"Oh, no. Dad, no, please, anything but that!"

"MOLLY!" Arthur called. "WE NEED THE TENTS! CAN I SET THEM UP?"

"THE TENTS!?" Molly called back, running into the kitchen. Half her body was covered in soap bubbles. Over her arms were draped various clothing items.

"Yes, dear," Arthur said, returning to his normal voice. "We are going to need the tents soon. Percy here is about to make a proposal."

"A proposal?" Molly asked, thunderstruck. Arthur sighed and decided to lay it all out for her.

"Yes. Percy wishes to propose to his girlfriend, Audrey, who recently kicked him out of the flat for having sex with her without being married or showing any intent of becoming engaged. It's all quite simply, really, and Percy is going to remedy the thing today."

Percy's jaw dropped. Today? When did his father become so demanding? In fact, why did it suddenly seem like his parents were deciding his life?

"Oh, dear, you haven't given me enough time!" Molly fretted.

"No worries, Mollywobbles, the wedding isn't today," Arthur reassured his frantic wife. "Today is the proposal. But we will need to hunt out the tents. Can't seem to recall where we put them after Bill's wedding last year..." Arthur mused. His musing continued as he went out to the shed, ready for his treasure hunt.

"Oh, Arthur is such a dear," Molly murmured admiringly, staring after her husband. Percy recoiled slightly, feeling like an intruder on a private moment. Molly's next question, however, forestalled Percy's departure. "What type of ring will you buy?" Percy, like Arthur, supposed that women really only cared about the ring and the dress when weddings were involved.

"Uh, er," Percy pushed his glasses further up his nose. "I haven't really thought about it. A pretty one." He fled knowing that now he'd have to buy a ring and propose to Audrey, or the whole entire Weasley family, (and extended family!), would want to know the what for. Hell, Percy would bet fifty galleons that if he didn't ask Audrey, another family member would ask her for him!


	3. Pet Names

Written for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry (Challenges & Assignments) forum - Herbology #5

Prompt: Write a story about two strangers becoming closer.

Word count: 1045

* * *

Percy thought and thought about how to approach Audrey. Oh hell! he thought. We're total and complete strangers. We may have had a one-night stand (sure), he thought, his memory hazy, but he definitely had NOT proposed to Audrey. Or so he remembered. Drat! This was exactly why he didn't drink!

Pacing on the sidewalk, Percy tried to recollect where Audrey's flat was. Hmm, why couldn't he remember that small yet important detail? This was very un-Percy-like behaviour!

Audrey woke up with a pounding headache. Ugh! she thought. This is why I don't go to the pub often. Hunting around for her hangover cure, she finally found it next to a very dirty pair of socks.

After taking her medicine, Audrey's eyes bulged. Socks! Oh, dear Lord no! Those socks aren't mine, she thought frantically. Who has been in my flat recently?

She thought back a few days, blushing harder and harder as she realized SEVERAL people had been in her flat lately. And the most recent was a cute man with flaming red hair. He was very noticeably a man, considering they had had sex. Oh dear.

Audrey fell back onto her couch. OH NO! He must be on his way here to apologize. Oh d-d-dear! She ran around her apartment trying to clean up a little, before catching sight of her own appearance in the hallway mirror. She looked - disheveled, to say the least. Dropping the items she was carrying and waving her hand to sort them by magic, she dashed into the bathroom to do a quick fixie.

Percy finally found Audrey's building and pressed the right button on the lift. Exiting to the right and then walking to the left, he paused at the fifth door before knocking loudly.

"Who is it?" a female voice called.

"Uh, Audrey?" Percy hesitated, before steeling himself to take his Gryffindor courage in hand. "It's Percy. I-I think we need to talk."

Audrey opened the door. She was wearing a lacy chemise with a bathrobe that wasn't doing its job at all.

"Hello, Percy," Audrey smiled. "Come in."

Percy nervously entered the snake pit.

"So, what brings you today?" Audrey asked. "Coffee or tea?"

"Coffee, please," Percy replied, thanking her with a nod. "I have come on important business regarding last night."

"Ah, I see. And, um, Percy, mind if I ask?"

"Not at all." Percy waved a magnanimous hand.

"Great. What happened and who are you?" Audrey peered at Percy suspiciously.

"Oh, ah, I'm the stranger you met in the pub last night and brought back home." Percy said it so casually, it sounded like he'd practiced it.

Audrey stared for a moment, sipping her tea.

"I see," she finally said. "So, stranger, what are you doing back here?"

"Well, I came to make amends and beg your pardon and ask for friendship and -"

Audrey placed her hand over Percy's mouth. "Shush. You're giving me a headache."

"Sorry!" Percy squeaked.

"Well, you're forgiven as I took you, as you so succinctly described the events of last night." Was it Percy's imagination, or did Audrey's eyes intentionally flick over his body?

"And," Audrey continued, "of course we can be friends. However, in order to be friends, I have to get to know you. When are you free this week?" Audrey cocked her head to the side, holding a pencil she had somehow conjured from a non-existent pocket.

"Uh, what?" Percy adjusted his glasses. Coughing he said, "I should have Thursday night and Saturday off. Sunday I'm filing papers and working at home."

"Oh, good, Sunday's perfect for me." Audrey grinned at him and pencilled him into her schedule. "There! Isn't it perfect!"

Percy groaned. "The things we do for women!"

"What was that?" Audrey asked, swooping in closer.

"I said, 'The things we do for women!'"

"Quite right! And don't you forget it!" Audrey giggled.

"Wouldn't be able to for the world," Percy drawled.

"You're funny," Audrey said, poking him.

"Can you please not do that?" Percy asked so slowly Audrey was able to poke him four more times.

"Haha! But it's so fun! Oh, Perce, don't be that way!" Audrey pouted.

Percy sat up. "Hey! You already have a pet name for me."

"So?"

"Well, I have to have one for you now."

"Says who?"

"It's only fair, Audrey."

"But I like Audrey."

"So do I, sugarplum."

"Ew."

"Yeah, I thought so, too. That's why I like it."

"This is how we're starting off as friends?"

Percy grinned and stood. Taking Audrey in his arms as if to dance, he flipped her backwards so he was leaning over her chest, tango style.

"Yes, darling, this is how we start off." So saying, he led Audrey in a small dance routine.

"You're very good," Audrey gasped, nearly out of breath. "And I'm out of shape!" she scowled.

"It's alright. Tuesday nights I go to a dance club. You should come sometime."

"I will pencil that in, dear," Audrey said, putting her words into action.

"Ah, very well, Audrey."

"Still don't have a pet name," Audrey teased.

"No, I don't, Rey, not at all. I can't find something I like the sound of."

"There's still plenty of time."

"Very true, oh wise one," Percy said, kissing her hand. "On Sunday, be ready to meet the family." He winked at her and left in as dashing a manner as ever.

Audrey blinked and before she knew it, he was gone just as suddenly as he had appeared.

She blushed and stared at her own reflection. Oh dear, she had just fallen so very hard for a red-head with horn-rimmed glasses who could make her feel so many different things at once - NO! STOP IT! she thought, calming down.

Just one step at a time, Audrey, she told herself. One, two, - nope.

She collapsed in happiness. He wanted her to meet his FAMILY! She smiled and fell into a deep sleep to work off the rest of the liquor still pumping through her veins.


End file.
